Friday, March 20, 2015

Leaked: Brisbane 2028 Olympic Transport Plan

SE Queensland Mayors have recently put forward a proposal for Brisbane to host the 2028 Olympics.
BrizCommuter has had a sneek preview of the transport plan for the planned event:


The 1970s retro stadium design
QE2 Stadium (QSAC) - this 49,000 capacity stadium which hosted the 1982 commonwealth games will be refurbished, with extra plastic garden chairs added to bring the capacity up to 60,000. The stadium will be used for track and field events, the opening, and closing ceremony. These ceremonies will be based on Brisbane's much loved Riverfire event. The nearby Brisbane City Council run crematorium will be used for extra dining facilities, as it has a very effective pizza oven. 

Chandler Arena - this will be used for most swimming, diving, shooting, netball, basketball, handball, and dodgeball events. Some swimming events may be held at Australia Zoo, as the addition of crocodiles to the pool may help create some olympic records, or not. It is rumoured that Oscar Pistorius may be a competitor in the shooting events, some of which may be located at Bikie owned tattoo parlours. 

"Best ever" Olympic Kayaking Course
Lake Wivenhoe - this will be used for sports for the first time, with sailing, rowing, triathlon, fishing, and canoeing taking place. Canoeing will use the Wivenhoe Dam spillway, which will be opened up to drain Brisbane's drinking water throughout the Olympics.  Minor downstream flooding may thus be experienced. 

Suncorp Stadium - expected to be used for rugby (both league and union), which will be added as an Olympic sport with only Australia competing. 

The Gabba - will be used for cricket and AFL, both of which will be added as an Olympic sport. 

Palmer Coolum Resort - will used for golf, with added dinosaur hazards. These will incur a 2 stroke penalty. 

Mt Coot-tha - the roads and trails will be used for downhill mountain biking. If competitors eat a large morning breakfast at the top cafe, they may go faster downhill. 

Ferny Grove - the local skate park will be used for BMX events. Dress code of backwards cap wearing will be strictly enforced. 

Brisbane's busway network - will be used for long distance cycling events. Blood transfusion centres will be located along the course so that competitors can stay "doping free". 

Olympic Village

The Olympic Village will be constructed on the existing site of Brisbane City Botanic Gardens offering sweeping panoramas along the Brisbane River. After the Olympics, the apartments will be turned into "affordable housing for all", consisting of $4m penthouse apartments. 

Road Transport

Toll Road Construction
The Olympic funding will allow for the construction of additional toll road tunnels linking QE2 Stadium and Chandler. New laws will be passed to allow road tunnel operators to be bailed out by the tax payer. This will leave a lasting legacy for effective future road transport between Nathan and Chandler suburbs, one of Brisbane's busiest transport corridors. Tolls will be increased to just $10 each way 6 months after the Olympics once Brisbanites learn how useful the tunnel will be. 

The Pacific Highway will be increased to 10 lanes each way between the Gold Coast and Brisbane. To allow for this increase capacity into Brisbane, a duplicate of the Riverside Expressway will be built above South Bank. Hanging flower baskets underneath the concrete deck will add to the enjoyment of this scenic riverside enhancement. 

Public Transport

In order to afford the Olympics, Cross River Rail will be delayed until the Olympic debt has been repaid in 2060. Train services will be enhanced by running half-hourly services on the Doomben Line on a Sunday for the first time. In order to avoid excessive overcrowding on the Airtrain service, fares will be increased to $60 each way in order to match Taxi fares. To cope with the expected 60,000 passengers travelling to and from the QE2 Stadium, a half-hourly 50 person capacity bus will link the stadium with Banoon train station. Gold Coast services will additionally stop at Banoon, though it is expected that after the 2018 Commonwealth Games that Gold Coasters will have had their fix of sport. 

Artists Impression of Super Busway
A "Super Busway" will be built linking QE2 Stadium and Chandler with the existing SE Busway. This will be gold plated, and will cost twice as much as a new rail line. Brisbanites will love the shininess of the gold plating for years to come. 

Continuing with Brisbane City Council's current bus network design, up to 400 different express bus routes will run hourly between each Brisbane neighbourhood and QE2 Stadium. In keeping with existing timetables. the buses will not run on Sundays, evenings after 5pm, and during events where cyclists will use the Busway network. 

Athletes will receive free go-cards, though incurring fixed fare due to dodgy ticket barriers will impose automatic disqualification from all events. Continuing with current TransLink policy, public transport information for the Olympics will be provided on TransLink's website from two days after the Olympics has started. 


In line with current Australian government's attitude towards the disabled - less able competitors will be sent to a care home, at their own expense, where they will generally be forgotten about. If there is some spare funding, Banyo train station may get a new lift, but with steps at the bottom so that the lift machinery doesn't get flooded during the canoeing events. 


The Brisbane Olympics in 2028 will bring in much needed income to Brisbane's few 5 star hotels, fine dining establishments, new casino, and nearby brothels. The lasting transport legacy of new road tunnels, duplication of the Riverside Expressway, 10 lane Pacific Highway, gold plated busway extensions, and blood transfusion centres will be loved by Queenslanders for years to come. 

Lets hope that other IOC members give Brisbane's bids the votes it deserves! If not, they could be bribed with pavlova.  

The next article will cover the Gold Coast's bid for the 2030 Winter Olympics.